I became world-weary at such a young age. Way too early. I didn’t ever want to live life as an adult, i.e. have responsibilities. My freshman year of high school, especially, all I remember doing when I wasn’t at school, was walking around the house in sweatpants, sweatshirt, and slippers, hoping my homework would finish itself, then go back to school and hand itself in. For the first time, really, I felt the weight of having a schedule and tasks to do, and that there was TERRIBLE consequences if I didn’t do it all in an acceptable fashion. Looking back now, I can clearly see that that paradigm is bullsh-t. I envy my friends who cut the crap and got their GEDs.
In relating to people with words during my first few years of high school, I hated, really was uncomfortable with the use of abbreviations or contractions. I’ve never understood that. Words like “can’t” or “Mr.” reminded me of white countertops with coffee grounds, or spilled syrup on them. Using non-abbreviated words like “cannot” and “Mister” was like wiping the counter clean. Using those contracted words made me feel somewhat vulgar or out-of-control or something. I still can’t quite get my head around that.
By my sophomore year (93-94), I had a better sense of myself and was able to take care of myself a little better. That’s when I grew my hair longish, and started dying it strange colors. By my senior year, I had no faith in the adult world and tried to avoid involvement by not even thinking about college. Fairly shortsighted, I guess. Here I am, a 27 year old, barely beginning my junior year at the U.
What really helped me survive the misery of high school, though, was the music. The music that I listened to was really an escape. When I got a new cd or tape, I would put on headphones, light some incense, candles, and Christmas lights in my room, then lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. Then again, the music might have encouraged/prolonged the misery. My top albums from my high school years:
1. Morrissey – Vauxhall and I
2. Smashing Pumpkins – Gish
3. Pixies – Doolittle/Come On Pilgrim/Bossanova
4. U2 – Achtung Baby
5. The Smiths – Louder than Bombs
6. The House of Love - The House of Love 
7. The Stone Roses – Turns into Stone
8. Jane’s Addiction – Nothing’s Shocking
9. Nirvana – Nevermind
10. The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds
Some of these, obviously, are comfort music, whilst others are angry, others are dirges. Maybe I’d listen to Gish to get riled up, and pissed at my family and God and the cruelness of fate, then Morrissey would tell me I’m not alone, then Brian Wilson would tell me that things could get better. (Of course, not in the case of Caroline, No.) Yeah, it’s not really the most enthusiastically upbeat group of songs, but what is?
And, for what it’s worth, the first day of my freshman year, the music I listened to while getting ready for school, was The House of Love “The House of Love”, specifically tracks 1 and 2 – “Hannah” and “Shine On”.
So that’s what’s in ol’ Duder’s head right now. Not too funny, I know. Lo siento. Do I plan to blog more funnier words later in the week? Yes. Does it bother me that I answer my own questions? No. Will I stop doing it now? Yes.