I have just one question: is it wrong for me to loathe a self-important, no-talent, enviably rich bastard? No, I’m not talking about Bono. It’s David Blaine. Can I say what it is exactly that I hate about him? Not really. Maybe it’s professional jealousy, penis envy, or perhaps it’s because his lousy mustachioed face reminds me of so many jerks that I’ve ridden the MAX with. Ok, not really SO many, but one sonofabitch specifically. I was like 14, and had gone downtown with my friend Mark, who was in town visiting from Seattle. We got on the MAX at Pioneer Courthouse Square, to get a free ride over to Lloyd Center. So, we’re on there, and then this dirty looking, rotten ass-face with a “G ‘n’ R” hat, and like an Iron Maiden shirt, and some ripped up black jeans, and some untied Reeboks, he gets on with his friend/brother/fellow asshole. It was probably about 5:00 in the evening, on a Sunday, and Ass #1 starts swinging this big freakin bike chain around and around, and he knocks my backpack off of the seat next to me and onto the floor of the train. He looks at me; in the eye, if you can imagine! Then, here’s what actually went down:
Ass #1: Are you going to pick up your shit?”
Ass #1: Little shit.
Mark: That’s an intelligent comment.
Me: (nervous laughter)
Ass #1 & Ass #2 go to a different car and compare wispy moustaches or something.
David Blaine reminds me of those 2 dudes crossed with that annoying-as-hell little squealing lemur-on-crack from “Will & Grace”. But I probably just say this all because I’m jealous of DB's ability to get famous while having no talent. And he can do really amazing things, like, stand in one place for 35 hours. Talk about enviable! There’s no limit to his capabilities! Maybe for his next stunt, he’ll drive around, then sit in a chair for a while!