So, I can practically hear you over the internet phone lines, screaming, “Enough with the phony baloney sentimentality, already! Make with the fart jokes and endlessly funny movie quotes, for cryin’ out loud!” Ok, I’ve heard you and my internal clock, which is also screaming, “Life’s too short for introspection.”
The other night I was sleeping soundly in my king size bed. I think M was somewhere on the bed, too, but it’s not hard to get lost on that thing. It’s a really monstrous piece of mattress; you can easily fit 8 adults on it. Seriously. ahem… Anyway, so I was sleeping and everything, and then I hear this sound of squeaking brakes, or maybe old fan belts, or shrieking harpies, I couldn’t really tell in my half-asleeping state. As I came to, I realized that it was my little dog, Yoshi, who was making the noise. Yeah, I know it’s “bad” for a dog-owner to let their “pet” sleep on the “bed”, but I figure that material things will all pass away in time anyway, so what’s the point in making distinctions like “master” and “pet”, or “my bed” and “pile of dirty clothes on the floor”, or “dog food” and “afternoon snack”? So Yoshi was kind of spooning with me, although, since he’s only 15 inches long, we don’t really “spoon”, it’s more like I’m the spoon and he’s a hairy meatball just up at the end of the spoon-chest. So he’s making this whimpering-wheezing-whinnying sort of sound, and it woke me up. What do I do? Grab his nose to wake him up and make him shut the freak up, right? Right. So, that’s exactly what I did. Then I reached back to give him a scratch behind the ears, but what I felt wasn’t an ear, but his hind leg. What did this mean? As far as I can tell, when I thought I had grabbed Yoshi’s furry nose, I had actually grabbed his furry wang. Yes, I touched Yoshi’s wang. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would ever touch a dog’s wang. I briefly considered what to do, but fell asleep before I could do anything like wash my hands, or wipe them on Lola, the other dog, who may or may not have been on the bed.
Currently listening to: Morrissey – “This is Not Your Country” from the single “Satan Rejected My Soul”. His 1997 album “Maladjusted” had better b-sides than the actual content on the album itself. Need proof? Compare this song, or “I can have both” or “The Edges are No Longer Parallel” with just about anything on that album.
“Morrissey conveys all the worst aspects of bestiality fused with homosexuality." - Santa Monica Reporter, 1992.
“As if simply conveying basic bestiality couldn't satisfy me - but no, I had to plunge for the very worst aspects! (I later wondered how this writer might describe the best aspects of bestiality.)” - Morrissey