It’s totally funny that it took my wife, my brother and I about 5 hours of cleaning to prepare for “Birthday Bloopers 2005”, a joint birthday party for Jonny and Moz, and the theme was “A Lifetime of Regrets”; we did all this freaking cleaning, and within half an hour of people getting there, there was just drunken revelry as far as the eye could see, throwing garbage everywhere, puking in any available couch, using poor Yoshi’s back-fur to wipe their mouths on, tying Swiffers onto Lola’s tail, you get the idea.
Anyway, so my wife’s birthday party last night was totally wild; never in my life have I seen more bare asses at one party. I was like, “Hey, the music’s pumpin’, the wine’s aflowin’, the dogs are barkin’, let’s get naked!” And I was totally mostly kidding. But somebody took me dead seriously, and stripped all the way down, and starting playing “Weeble Wobbles”, and he definitely wobbled, but indeed didn’t fall down. I was very privileged and honored to have esteemed members of Portland's rock community in my own living room, drinking my three dollar wine, shelling my pistachios, and getting bitten by my dogs. The party attracted friends, old and new, and a few homeless folks looking for a free beer, which is one of the many benefits of living near a very busy street which happens to be a mecca for whores and bums.
One of the many highlights of the evening was when we did “The Safety Dance”, and I busted out the traffic cones, hard hats, and manhole covers. And not the kind of “man-hole” covers you’re thinking of, you perv. The vibe was totally, like, 80’s American Bandstand meets Laptop Chic, meets Lip-Ring Punk, meets Kill Bill Vol. 1 Silhouette Fight Scene. So you totally know what I mean. Lots of fighting, drinking, dancing, eating, conversation, backstabbing, bickering, and cattiness. Basically, a wonderful time was had by all.
Ok, this is just a post-blogging note to all my “friends”. If I ever invite you out to dinner and you say “yes”, and then you call back and ask if you can bring some other friends, and I say “yes”, and then you call back again, and say that you and your jerky friends are going to sit at a separate table from me, I will totally disown you betraying jackanapes. Just so that it’s known, and is now in writing.