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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Get to know me

Borrowed from Almost 30, another Portlander's blog.

Snuck out of the house
– Only out of Lonny's house. And Paul's house. And Aaron's house. All in junior high.

Gotten lost in your city
- Never really "lost" lost. Just a little turned-around.

Seen a shooting star
– Every summer. And a couple months ago, I saw that meteor crash.

Been to any other countries besides the United States
– Unfortunately, no. Hopefully soon.

Had a serious surgery
– No.

Gone out in public in your pajamas – Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?

Kissed a stranger – No.

Hugged a stranger
– I don't think so...

Been in a fist fight – Fight? No. Gotten beat up? Yes. Numerous times. Thanks, big brother.

Been arrested
– Never.

Laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose – Yes, it's something I've been practicing.

Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
– Totally. It's great fun.

Swore at your parents – Not to their faces.

Been in love – Currently.

Been close to love
– Who can say? What is love anyway?

Been to a casino – Never.

Been skydiving
- No, it's a complete waste of money and time. I have no sympathy for people who get in skydiving accidents.

Skinny-dipped
– Regularly when I worked at summer camp. Every Sunday night, we had The BBC - Bare Butt Club.

Skipped school – Yeah, classes, not whole actual days, though.

Seen a therapist - Of course. Best money spent ever.

Done the splits - No, I'm a man.

Played spin the bottle
– Yeah, but everybody was too shy to do any make-outs.

Gotten stitches – Yeah, about an inch of them on my forehead. Thanks again, big brother.

Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour – Never. I’d rather die.

Bitten someone
– Yes, out of love, not anger.

Been to Niagara Falls – No. It's a bunch of water right? Naboo has much more life-like waterfalls.

Gotten the chicken pox
– Yeah, when I was like 6 or 7.

Kissed a member of the opposite sex – Regularly, beginning at age 17.

Crashed into a friend's car
– No, unless by “into a friend’s car” you mean “into a brick wall, 3 days after getting your driver’s license”, in which case the answer is yes.

Been to Japan
– No, nor have I been to France. And I never seen the queen in her damned undies, either.

Ridden in a taxi – No, a gentleman doesn’t ride in taxis; a gentleman is sober.

Been dumped
– A few times. Thanks, Kyla L. and Kathie M.

Shoplifted – No, but me and Paul and Angel thought it was funny to pretend to steal candy, and that got us kicked out of at least one, but maybe 2 quickee marts.

Been fired
– No, a gentleman doesn’t get fired.

Had a crush on someone of the same sex
– I suppose so. Isn’t everyone part gay at one time or another.

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
– The story of my life. “Mom, Dad – I really like you guys” “Shut up boy! Go to your room! Remember what we told you about having emotions!”

Gone on a blind date
– Once, but it was a double date. We were set up by some mutual friends. We saw “Air Force One” at the old Eastgate Theater.

Lied to a friend
– When people say, “How’s it going?”, I always say, “Pretty good”, when the truthful answer is more like “I’m depressed for no reason, so I won’t tell you.”

Had a crush on a teacher – The substitute we had in electrical shop my sophomore year. The room was electric! With crushes!

Celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
– I’d rather die.

Been to Europe - Not yet. I believe I already covered this in another question. This feels a bit impersonal. Whose asking these questions, anyway?

Slept with a co-worker – Well, I did some temp work at my wife’s old job, so technically yes.

Been married – Once.

Gotten divorced - Never and I don't plan on it.

Had children – No, that’s scientifically impossible, since I was born with boy-bits, not girl-bits.

Seen someone die – Not at the moment of her death, no.

Had a close friend die – A close friend from high school died last fall in Iraq, but we had totally lost touch with other.

Been to Africa
– I’d rather die.

Driven over 400 miles in one day – San Diego to Portland, shortly after 9/11. Got ticketed for going 97 in a 65. I tried to explain that the cruise control wouldn’t work for speeds over 100, but it didn’t help.

Been on a plane – Yes, it’s terrifying.

Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
– I’d rather die.

Thrown up in a bar – No, that’s so passé.

Purposely set a part of myself on fire – Not quite, but I did the old “lighter with a can of Aqua Net spraying into it” flamethrower routine. This was also at summer camp.

Eaten Sushi – A couple times. Eh.

Been skiing/snowboarding
– Again, I’d rather die. Although M has a cousin who's husband teaches EXTREME sports. And the cousin is no couch potato.

Met someone in person from the internet – No.

Lost a child
- Never accidently.

Gone to college – I was just there today, in fact!

Graduated college
– Well, I got an Ass. Degree, now I’m attempting to get my BA Degree.

Fired a gun – No, man. This is 2005. Who uses guns anymore?

Purposely hurt yourself
– Absolutely. Regularly, during The Great Depression, aka 1997-1998.

Taken painkillers – Yeah, but not prescription kind, though.

God bless the police

God bless the police. No wait, that came out wrong. F*ck the police.

Today, my buddy and I were taking a break from the interminable drudgery of the office and went to get an iced americano and vanilla frappuchinadondalinger and while we're at the light at 38th and Multnomah, what do I see behind me? A patriotic blur of flashing red and blue on top of a white car, and surprise, surprise, a couple of pigs were driving. I was at the light, so I knew I couldn't have been speeding.

We did the usual routine:
Him: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You have nothing better to do, and you've got a quota to meet?
Him: Where do you work?
Me: On the busy street directly ahead.
Him: Both of you?
Me: Yup.
Him: Do I look good in blue?
Me: It's more of a fall blue than a spring blue, but yeah, it'll do.
Him: Do these pants make me look fat?
Me: It ain't the pants, it's the ass underneath them! Zing!
Him: Are you wearing boxers or briefs?
Me: I really don't see how these questions pert-
Him: Enough! License and registration! NOW!!

After a few minutes of Pig #1 and #2 checking out me and my co-workers IDs, the bacons called for backup. After a few more minutes, Porkins #3 arrived, and Pigs #2 and #3 started pointing at us and making wild hand gestures to each other. There was now 3 pigs. It looked like there was no way I was getting out alive. My motto has always been: No Retreat, No Surrender. I told my buddy to buckle up, and prepared the Altima for warp speed. But at the last minute,the lead Pig came back over to my window.

Him: The reason I pulled you over is you have a busted tail light. The right one.
Me: Oh, really? I had no idea.
Him: Well it's true. Now, I have a few questions for the two of you. First, were you really going 97 in a 65?
Me: Of course, but that was 4 years ago. I'm very penitant. I've changed. Lord, I've changed.
Him: Now, you - passenger - are you carrying a firearm.
Buddy: No, I'm not.
Him: Because you have a concealed weapons permit.
Buddy: Yes.
Him: And the first thing you should tell an officer of the law, when you get pulled over is if you have a firearm.
Buddy: Yeah, I know.
Him: Ok, now I'm giving you a written warning; you need you have your tail-light fixed.
Me: Ok, great. Thanks for wasting my time, and the taxpayers money.
Him: What's that?
Me: I said I really respect you and everything you stand for. Say, did you read about that sex-pervert convict that escaped yesterday?
Him: Yeah, why?
Me: No reason, I'm sure that I'm the most dangerous person on the streets right now. Say, you've been real nice, can I buy you a donut? Or a coffee?
Him: No, I keep a case of them Little Debbie choco-bars in the backseat. I sometimes talk to them like their my prisoners... "You have the right to remain delicious! Anything you taste like will be eaten by me, after dunking you in a latte! If I cannot afford a latte, one will be provided to me by the citizens of this town! You have the right to be chocolatey!"

He started wandering away at this point, still talking to his choco-bars. Anyway, that was the latest in a series of terrible encounters with the PPD. Did you ever see the episode of COPS when it was filmed in Portland? The most exciting part was a guy getting arrested for mooning people. I swear to God, this is my little town and the excitement we have.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I'm Batman

Well, if anyone doubts that I spent most of Tuesday (aka the day of my last three posts) in a twilight world of half-asleepiness, just ask my pasta. I heated up some of Moz's leftovers for lunch, and prepared to have a big glass of root beer with it, but instead of pouring into the pint glass, I poured it right into my hot pasta! Yoinks! So that might explain some of the randomness and mendacity of the last few postings.

Anyway, on a more personal note, I saw my mother at the cafe I played at last night, and she was all pissy and more auntly than motherly, so I was like "Hey mom. Why are you here?" And then, I swear the floodgates of heaven opened, but it was just my mom crying.

She was all "Why don't you return my emails?!? I was concerned about you and your cousin and your wife, but you never write me back!!".

I said, "Mom! You haven't emailed me in like a year, so you're the one with the problem, not me!"

And she goes, "What??!! I emailed you this morning and it was critically important, but I guess since I'm only your mother, then I don't deserve to be emailed back to..."

And I said, "Mom, I swear! Which email address did you send it to?"

And she goes, "PuRrFeCTTsexXXybEYotCH1977@gmail.com"

I said, "Mom! I haven't used that email address in at least 3 or 4 months."

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Thank God I'm Not a Geek

After dreaming about watching Revenge of the Sith, I awoke with a start at 4:15am. I was so full of adrenaline at having watched the new Star Wars film, I couldn't get back to sleep. I kept my eyes closed and tossed and turned for about an hour and a half, and finally M's alarm started playing "Crocodile Rock" and I had to jab her a few times to get her to snooze that sucker. When I opened my peepers just a li'l bit to check the time, my room was full of daylight, like it was the Chinese New Year or something and I said "You've got to be kidding me" to the daylight in my room.

A Brief Encounter

I ran into my twin roommate uncles (Big Al and Lefty) at Safeway last night. We're all getting together this weekend, so after a brief chat, I said to them, "See you this Friday, and be sure to bring some of that delicious cornbread!".

Edit: After multiple complaints, I feel it's necessary to add this post-script. Big Al and Lefty were the ones that brought the cornbread that gave everyone diarrhea for a week last Christmas.

A Short Story

A clown, a flying lizard, and a deadly poisonous snake walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the clown and says, "Why the long face?". The clown honks his bike horn twice, then the flying lizard jumps up on to the bartender's eyes, then the deadly poisonous snake attacks, biting the bartender on the neck.

The End

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Actually, I kind of hate the internet

At first I felt kind of bad for upsetting Montanans, but then I thought, "Hey, they're the jerkwads who chose to look to my site as a representation of America's view of their pathetic state". Thank God everyone takes me so seriously. So what if I hate your state, Montana? Please don't take it too seriously. I can probably think of 100 reasons to hate every state in the union. Yours just happened to be in the news this week.

Washington: too many dirty hippies, plus a college that doesn't give grades
Oregon: too many cowboys, Gresham, close proximity to Vancouver
California: Californians
Arizona: it's a freaking desert
Utah: Mormons
Nevada: one of the most unremarkable states, ever. Why is it even there?
Idaho: Napolean Dynamite
Montana: see previous post
Wyoming: too many cowboys
Colorado: too far away
New Mexico: Las Vegas
Texas: Bush
Oklahoma: that freaking musical
Kansas: tornadoes
Nebraska: why not just be called Even More Southern Dakota?
North and South Dakota: Two ridiculous states, one ridiculous name.
Minnesota: To the people of Minnesota: Speak like an American, please!
Iowa: too many vowels in this name.
Missouri: Why not just call it "Depressi"?
Arkansas: that freaking country song about Little Rock
Louisiana: Accents as thick as gumbo
Mississippi: spelling this name just isn't worth the trouble
Alabama: hillbillies, all of them
Tennessee: has places that are named Chattanooga, Chickamauga and Murfreesboro.
Kentucky: this state has become a spoof of itself. Kentucky Air.
Illinois: this state has Chicago, which is ok, but also is about the only good thing.
Wisconsin: I vote we give this one to Canada. It's practically there already.
Michigan: has a couple of good lakes dividing it. Doesn't seem too unified to me.
Ohio: Again, too many vowels.
West Virginia & Virginia: named in honour of some virgin queen of England, which is kind of pathetic, since we kicked England's limey asses back in '76.
No and So Carolina: people here don't speak the english language that I know.
Georgia: home of the B-52's. and yes, that's a negative thing.
Florida: my arch-rival is from this god-forsaken land of alligators
District of Columbia: too much corruption to even get into here
Rhode Island: the STD capital of the nation, and it's too small
Maryland: too small. why not join the D.C. and Rhode Island to form one real state.
Pennsylvania: too old, no longer relevant
New Jersey: aka, can't afford to live in New York.
New York: the richest, poorest and snobbiest all crammed in to one lousy city here.
Connecticut: could you be less relevant?
Massachusetts: Boston, home of ignorant thugs
Maine: famous for it's crustaceans. Need I say more?
Vermont and New Hampshire: Both too small, which just creates extra paperwork. Do I see a merger in your future?
Alaska: a state so cold the government pays people to live here, to justify the exorbitant price we paid for the place.
Hawaii: too many vowels, too expensive for tourists. Do they even speak English here?

And that's just off the top of my head. I could get into it more, but you get the idea? Did I leave out any states? If so, it's just further evidence of their insignificance.


A little while ago, I recorded some drums for some friends who made a cd. They're called Just Friends, and apparently they've gotten some radio play from this new cd. Anyway, they told me about their "myspace" web-page. I'd never really seen a myspace page before. Apparently myspace is like blogspot, only it's used primarily by lonely 19 year olds who are desperately seeking attention and acceptance. After looking at a few people's sites, it made me kind of sad that this was what people are really like. Even people that go to my school. Lots of guys pictures are of them posing, topless for their little myspace icon. Lots of girls pictures are fairly scantily-clad. It's pretty weird seeing people so young acting so dumb. I can understand having a page like this to promote your band, but just to promote your sad life? I guess it's like a blog, only more cloying and depressing.

Anyway, here I am listening to Soundgarden's "Superunknown" which kicks a lot of ass, still, and I keep thinking that this whole internet thing is a big waste of time. I suppose it could be used for educational purposes, but I seem to mostly use it to find out Yoda's backstory, or to rate movies on Netflix (Sideways gets ***).

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

If I say it, it's a fact!

I've been linked to and commented on by a real news website (although it is from Montana, so who knows how factual it is), regarding my comment about drinking laws in Montana. Check it out here.

Speaking of Montaniacs, has anything good ever come from Montana? Survey says: No. Nothing. Ever. Didn't they elect Jake "The Snake" Roberts as sheriff? Yeah, I think that was those Montananians. And if I'm not mistaken, they don't even believe in God! The bottom line is: Montana is good for nothing but linking to my blog. Frankly, it's a miracle they even have electricity or can figure out computers.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Celebrate Intentional and Baseless Cruelty

Found on a random blog that was somehow linked to mine: “You know, I don't think that I ever really believed in intentional and baseless cruelty.”

I didn't know I had the choice of believing or not believing in intentional and baseless cruelty. Will not believing in intentional and baseless cruelty make it cease to exist? It's doubtful, but I'm not willing to try. I have a very strong belief system.

It’s funny because intentional and baseless cruelty is one of the joys of my everyday life, whether it’s taking a red rubber ball from a neighbor kid and punching him in the neck when he to get it back (he's just a little punk kid, like 10 or 11 years old, does he really think he can beat me up?), or putting Taco Bell sauce on the hood of a random car in the parking lot at work (read: every car in the lot), I try to do at least one act of intentional and baseless cruelty each day. Oh, I’m just kidding. I always try to be super nice to all the lousy jerks around me.

Thoroughly Modern Montana

State officials approved an open-container ban Today that makes Montana one of the final states to prohibit drinking while driving.

While Montana had stood to lose $5 million a year in federal highway funds if it failed to pass the law, the debate focused on balancing safety and being an asshole redneck a.k.a. personal freedom.

In the biggest shocker of all, it was revealed that Montana has the highest rate of alcohol-related deaths, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

I have seen things you will never see OR God Bless Netflix

The Double Plus Good:

The Kid Stays in the Picture
Chinatown
13 Conversations about One Thing
Kiss Me Deadly
Da Ali G Show (Season 1)
The Wizard of Oz
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Movie

The OK:
Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
Laurel Canyon
Reign of Fire
Blue Velvet
Barton Fink
Dirty Pretty Things
The Good Girl
The Fabulous Baker Boys

El Terible:

Equilibrium
The Wiz
King Kong (1977)

Monday, April 04, 2005

Interview with Sloop

Q1: you are tanning on a beach in milan when larry mullen jr sits down next to you. contact is cordial- brief eye contact recognizing you are there. after getting settled in he starts to apply sunscreen to his face and shoulders. as he gets to his back you notice there is a substantial area he cannot reach with the sunscreen. you are the only one around who seems to notice. what do you do?
A1: I ask him if he wants sunscreen on his back, but instead I cover it in mayonnaise and BBQ sauce, because that attracts the mosquitoes, then I go sightseeing in Milan.

Q2: you are alone in an elevator in new york city at a nice hotel in new york elevatar going from the 32nd floor to street level. the elevator stops at the 30th floor. the doors open and in walks the edge. 'hey. how's it going?' he sais, in a cordial greeting. you now have 30 floors untill you get to street level. what do you do?
A2: First, I correct your atrocious spelling. Then I fart quietly and stare at the ceiling.

Q3: you just bought season tickets for the trail blazers. upon finding your seats you notice they are right next to gus van zant's seats. halfway through the second quarter you observe gus spilling mustard on his chin while eating a sausage dog. he doesn't know though and seems perfectly content spending the rest of his life with a yellow sploch of mustard on his grill. you feel a little embarrassed for him. what do you do next?
A3: First, I kick myself for wasting my money on season tickets for such a crappy, embarrassing team. Then, I tell him that he should have never made that shot-for-shot Psycho, because it was a terrible idea and he otter be ashamed.

Q4: you are approached by an angel and given this offer: total fame as a drummer in a critically acclaimed platinum selling band for 15 years! you will see all of europe and meet important people whilst making some serious dough. the only catch with the deal is that after the 15 years is up you can't play music ever again. do you accept?
A4: Of course I accept! After 15 years of serious touring and money-making, I'll be totally burnt out on the music industry, so I'll pursue a career in painting and wine-making.

Q5: you are hosting a luncheon at wildwood in northwest portland. you can have any 6 guests you want in the entire world! of course, they must be currently alive. 3 men. 3 women. who do you invite and why?

A5: First let me state that I don't know what or where Wildwood is. I assume it's some sort of buffet style, all-you-can-eat dive. Anyway, 3 mens and 3 womens? I say:
Bono - interesting views on God and politics. And that whole rock star thing.
Paul McCartney - he is a huge part of rock history, and seems like a good chap. Although he could probably send Angela Lansbury, and I wouldn't know the difference.
Bjork - the most creative woman in music, I believe, and she's such an interesting person in her interviews.
Parker Posey - she's funny, talented. Not quite in the same league as Bjork, but she seems like good company (at least, based on her dimples).
Johnny Crash - my contact in the music biz who organized this luncheon.
My wife, Mo - well, duh. Who wouldn't want to have lunch with her?

Q6: Tell me more intimate details of your personal life.
A6: I am "broken-hearted" and I love my "aging" parents, I suddenly scoffed, "F**k the press! I'm done," before walking away, dragging my chair with me because it was attached to my microphone. Moments later, I returned, slightly embarrassed and apologized before resuming the interview, where I fought back tears as I expressed regret over the impact my drug problems have had on my career.

I've been Wizzed on.

Have you seen The Wiz? Not, the "nobody beats me, I'm the Wiz!" from Seinfeld. And not the wiz that's left after your three cups of morning joe. I'm talking about the worst movie ever, regrettably made in 1978. It's the all-singing, all-dancing, all-black version of The Wizard of Oz, and we watched it on Saturday night and I want my two and a half hours back. The screenplay was by Joel Schumacher, which was a warning sign I just couldn't see. It's incredibly bad, and not even worth Netflixing. It stars a 50 year old Diana Ross as Dorothy, and a pre-trial of the century Michael Jackson as the Scarecrow. Ugh. Nipsey Russell as Stepin Fetchit, I mean, the Tin Man, and the dad from the Urkel show as the bitch-ass lion. There's probably about 3 minutes of dialogue and the rest is ALL SINGING. And it's not good, "Over the rainbow" type songs, but instead it's garbage disco/soul/R&B like "Ease on down the Road" and "Don't tel. Ugh. The description says it has lavish sets, but don't be fooled; it's super low budget and crappy and filmed almost entirely in some god-forsaken warehouse. I can think of so many things wrong with it, my mind is totally boggled.

I, for one, would like to see all-white versions of "Shaft", "Enter the Dragon" and "Napolean Dynamite". Any other suggestions?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Every day is reserved for idiotic behavior

So, in honor of April Fool's Day, my coworker had a client call up our manager and say that his equipment wasn't working right, then the client hung up, and then my coworker went to our manager after the phone call and said "APRIL FOOLS!! HA HA!!!". Before he did this plan, he told me about it, like it was the most ingenious prank ever, like some kind of Double Indemnity triple cross action was about to go down. It went down, my manager acted amused, and then my coworker came and asked me if I had any friends that I wanted to pull some hilarious phone pranks on. I told him I'm just not that "into" April Fool's Day. I didn't have the heart to tell him I think he's a moron and an embarrassment to the company and that today's "prank" would be funnier if he didn't naturally screw up so many things on an everyday basis.

Anyway, for my April Fool's Day gag, I told my mom I was going to get her a dog, but the jokes on her, cause I mailed her a cat instead! It should be fine, though; I packed it with about 5 days worth of cat food and kitty litter in the box with it. I think she'll be pleasantly surprised.