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Saturday, April 16, 2005

Actually, I kind of hate the internet

At first I felt kind of bad for upsetting Montanans, but then I thought, "Hey, they're the jerkwads who chose to look to my site as a representation of America's view of their pathetic state". Thank God everyone takes me so seriously. So what if I hate your state, Montana? Please don't take it too seriously. I can probably think of 100 reasons to hate every state in the union. Yours just happened to be in the news this week.

Washington: too many dirty hippies, plus a college that doesn't give grades
Oregon: too many cowboys, Gresham, close proximity to Vancouver
California: Californians
Arizona: it's a freaking desert
Utah: Mormons
Nevada: one of the most unremarkable states, ever. Why is it even there?
Idaho: Napolean Dynamite
Montana: see previous post
Wyoming: too many cowboys
Colorado: too far away
New Mexico: Las Vegas
Texas: Bush
Oklahoma: that freaking musical
Kansas: tornadoes
Nebraska: why not just be called Even More Southern Dakota?
North and South Dakota: Two ridiculous states, one ridiculous name.
Minnesota: To the people of Minnesota: Speak like an American, please!
Iowa: too many vowels in this name.
Missouri: Why not just call it "Depressi"?
Arkansas: that freaking country song about Little Rock
Louisiana: Accents as thick as gumbo
Mississippi: spelling this name just isn't worth the trouble
Alabama: hillbillies, all of them
Tennessee: has places that are named Chattanooga, Chickamauga and Murfreesboro.
Kentucky: this state has become a spoof of itself. Kentucky Air.
Illinois: this state has Chicago, which is ok, but also is about the only good thing.
Wisconsin: I vote we give this one to Canada. It's practically there already.
Michigan: has a couple of good lakes dividing it. Doesn't seem too unified to me.
Ohio: Again, too many vowels.
West Virginia & Virginia: named in honour of some virgin queen of England, which is kind of pathetic, since we kicked England's limey asses back in '76.
No and So Carolina: people here don't speak the english language that I know.
Georgia: home of the B-52's. and yes, that's a negative thing.
Florida: my arch-rival is from this god-forsaken land of alligators
District of Columbia: too much corruption to even get into here
Rhode Island: the STD capital of the nation, and it's too small
Maryland: too small. why not join the D.C. and Rhode Island to form one real state.
Pennsylvania: too old, no longer relevant
New Jersey: aka, can't afford to live in New York.
New York: the richest, poorest and snobbiest all crammed in to one lousy city here.
Connecticut: could you be less relevant?
Massachusetts: Boston, home of ignorant thugs
Maine: famous for it's crustaceans. Need I say more?
Vermont and New Hampshire: Both too small, which just creates extra paperwork. Do I see a merger in your future?
Alaska: a state so cold the government pays people to live here, to justify the exorbitant price we paid for the place.
Hawaii: too many vowels, too expensive for tourists. Do they even speak English here?

And that's just off the top of my head. I could get into it more, but you get the idea? Did I leave out any states? If so, it's just further evidence of their insignificance.

A little while ago, I recorded some drums for some friends who made a cd. They're called Just Friends, and apparently they've gotten some radio play from this new cd. Anyway, they told me about their "myspace" web-page. I'd never really seen a myspace page before. Apparently myspace is like blogspot, only it's used primarily by lonely 19 year olds who are desperately seeking attention and acceptance. After looking at a few people's sites, it made me kind of sad that this was what people are really like. Even people that go to my school. Lots of guys pictures are of them posing, topless for their little myspace icon. Lots of girls pictures are fairly scantily-clad. It's pretty weird seeing people so young acting so dumb. I can understand having a page like this to promote your band, but just to promote your sad life? I guess it's like a blog, only more cloying and depressing.

Anyway, here I am listening to Soundgarden's "Superunknown" which kicks a lot of ass, still, and I keep thinking that this whole internet thing is a big waste of time. I suppose it could be used for educational purposes, but I seem to mostly use it to find out Yoda's backstory, or to rate movies on Netflix (Sideways gets ***).


Feaverish said...

You have an arch rival?

PS I assume you gave Sideways *** out of like ****************************************************************************************************************** or at least *********************** because that movie sucked it big time. I dislike enough real people in my life; I don't need to be introduced to any new ones.

Jay said...

I think your problem is that you didn't get enough love as a child. tough break.

Sloop said...

I got plenty of love as a child. And by "love" I mean "beatings". And by "as a child" I mean my entire life.

BonikaStJames said...


You do seem a bit on edge. Slamming all 50 states is pretty hard core. I think we should start calling you Holden.

However, one state that is on my nerves is Kentucky... why the hell would a state try to sue a fast food establishment. It's just tacky.

I love the internet. Seriously – I don’t know what I did before it. I am actually allergic to hard copy.


jonny ragel said...

hilarious. you should start an AM radio talk show. I swear.

Superinkygirl said...

Yes, and take it from an Evergreen State College GRADUATE, drugs don't make good references on your resume. Uh... wha?... Was I saying something? oh yeah! My integrative degree in Pre-history and retro dynamic feminist cultural organic mixed media... seriously. That's why I still make $13 an hour. f***.