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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

God bless the police

God bless the police. No wait, that came out wrong. F*ck the police.

Today, my buddy and I were taking a break from the interminable drudgery of the office and went to get an iced americano and vanilla frappuchinadondalinger and while we're at the light at 38th and Multnomah, what do I see behind me? A patriotic blur of flashing red and blue on top of a white car, and surprise, surprise, a couple of pigs were driving. I was at the light, so I knew I couldn't have been speeding.

We did the usual routine:
Him: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You have nothing better to do, and you've got a quota to meet?
Him: Where do you work?
Me: On the busy street directly ahead.
Him: Both of you?
Me: Yup.
Him: Do I look good in blue?
Me: It's more of a fall blue than a spring blue, but yeah, it'll do.
Him: Do these pants make me look fat?
Me: It ain't the pants, it's the ass underneath them! Zing!
Him: Are you wearing boxers or briefs?
Me: I really don't see how these questions pert-
Him: Enough! License and registration! NOW!!

After a few minutes of Pig #1 and #2 checking out me and my co-workers IDs, the bacons called for backup. After a few more minutes, Porkins #3 arrived, and Pigs #2 and #3 started pointing at us and making wild hand gestures to each other. There was now 3 pigs. It looked like there was no way I was getting out alive. My motto has always been: No Retreat, No Surrender. I told my buddy to buckle up, and prepared the Altima for warp speed. But at the last minute,the lead Pig came back over to my window.

Him: The reason I pulled you over is you have a busted tail light. The right one.
Me: Oh, really? I had no idea.
Him: Well it's true. Now, I have a few questions for the two of you. First, were you really going 97 in a 65?
Me: Of course, but that was 4 years ago. I'm very penitant. I've changed. Lord, I've changed.
Him: Now, you - passenger - are you carrying a firearm.
Buddy: No, I'm not.
Him: Because you have a concealed weapons permit.
Buddy: Yes.
Him: And the first thing you should tell an officer of the law, when you get pulled over is if you have a firearm.
Buddy: Yeah, I know.
Him: Ok, now I'm giving you a written warning; you need you have your tail-light fixed.
Me: Ok, great. Thanks for wasting my time, and the taxpayers money.
Him: What's that?
Me: I said I really respect you and everything you stand for. Say, did you read about that sex-pervert convict that escaped yesterday?
Him: Yeah, why?
Me: No reason, I'm sure that I'm the most dangerous person on the streets right now. Say, you've been real nice, can I buy you a donut? Or a coffee?
Him: No, I keep a case of them Little Debbie choco-bars in the backseat. I sometimes talk to them like their my prisoners... "You have the right to remain delicious! Anything you taste like will be eaten by me, after dunking you in a latte! If I cannot afford a latte, one will be provided to me by the citizens of this town! You have the right to be chocolatey!"

He started wandering away at this point, still talking to his choco-bars. Anyway, that was the latest in a series of terrible encounters with the PPD. Did you ever see the episode of COPS when it was filmed in Portland? The most exciting part was a guy getting arrested for mooning people. I swear to God, this is my little town and the excitement we have.


Caramel Monk said...

You know, Little Lisa makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.

BonikaStJames said...

Michele and Me speeding down I5 on the way to prom...
B: Yes Officer?
O: Did you realize you were speeding?
B: No, I didn't.
O: When you are passing cars on the freeway like they are parked it's a good indication that you are speeding. Why are you so dressed up?
B: We are on our way prom. We’re really excited.
O: Where are your dates?
B: (head tilted slightly down and to the side, looking up) We don’t have dates.
O: (slightly awkward) Oh! O.k. well… I’ll let you off with a warning but slow down.
B: O.k. I will. Thanks.
Me driving slow for about 2 minutes and then speeding the rest of the way to prom.