Q1: you are tanning on a beach in milan when larry mullen jr sits down next to you. contact is cordial- brief eye contact recognizing you are there. after getting settled in he starts to apply sunscreen to his face and shoulders. as he gets to his back you notice there is a substantial area he cannot reach with the sunscreen. you are the only one around who seems to notice. what do you do?
A1: I ask him if he wants sunscreen on his back, but instead I cover it in mayonnaise and BBQ sauce, because that attracts the mosquitoes, then I go sightseeing in Milan.
Q2: you are alone in an elevator in new york city at a nice hotel in new york elevatar going from the 32nd floor to street level. the elevator stops at the 30th floor. the doors open and in walks the edge. 'hey. how's it going?' he sais, in a cordial greeting. you now have 30 floors untill you get to street level. what do you do?
A2: First, I correct your atrocious spelling. Then I fart quietly and stare at the ceiling.
Q3: you just bought season tickets for the trail blazers. upon finding your seats you notice they are right next to gus van zant's seats. halfway through the second quarter you observe gus spilling mustard on his chin while eating a sausage dog. he doesn't know though and seems perfectly content spending the rest of his life with a yellow sploch of mustard on his grill. you feel a little embarrassed for him. what do you do next?
A3: First, I kick myself for wasting my money on season tickets for such a crappy, embarrassing team. Then, I tell him that he should have never made that shot-for-shot Psycho, because it was a terrible idea and he otter be ashamed.
Q4: you are approached by an angel and given this offer: total fame as a drummer in a critically acclaimed platinum selling band for 15 years! you will see all of europe and meet important people whilst making some serious dough. the only catch with the deal is that after the 15 years is up you can't play music ever again. do you accept?
A4: Of course I accept! After 15 years of serious touring and money-making, I'll be totally burnt out on the music industry, so I'll pursue a career in painting and wine-making.
Q5: you are hosting a luncheon at wildwood in northwest portland. you can have any 6 guests you want in the entire world! of course, they must be currently alive. 3 men. 3 women. who do you invite and why?
A5: First let me state that I don't know what or where Wildwood is. I assume it's some sort of buffet style, all-you-can-eat dive. Anyway, 3 mens and 3 womens? I say:
Bono - interesting views on God and politics. And that whole rock star thing.
Paul McCartney - he is a huge part of rock history, and seems like a good chap. Although he could probably send Angela Lansbury, and I wouldn't know the difference.
Bjork - the most creative woman in music, I believe, and she's such an interesting person in her interviews.
Parker Posey - she's funny, talented. Not quite in the same league as Bjork, but she seems like good company (at least, based on her dimples).
Johnny Crash - my contact in the music biz who organized this luncheon.
My wife, Mo - well, duh. Who wouldn't want to have lunch with her?
Q6: Tell me more intimate details of your personal life.
A6: I am "broken-hearted" and I love my "aging" parents, I suddenly scoffed, "F**k the press! I'm done," before walking away, dragging my chair with me because it was attached to my microphone. Moments later, I returned, slightly embarrassed and apologized before resuming the interview, where I fought back tears as I expressed regret over the impact my drug problems have had on my career.